This episode was taped 12/9/11 (you may hear the Christmas concert referred to). Enjoy!
Small Contribution Not Helpful
Tonight marked the first 2011-2012 “Student Body Festivity”, but oppressive heat and humidity in the gym prompted staff to position several fans to shove air through the dense crowd. One fan however, simply wasn’t much help. “You can tell just by looking at it,” said random student Jeremy Bailey, “It’s not going to do squat.” Dr. Kimbrough bluntly declared, “That fan deserves no place on this campus!”
The 40-watt Sunbeam oscillating fan was donated by the Iron Mountain Goodwill, which had been unable to sell it despite the fan’s sitting on a shelf collecting dust for months. In a telephone interview with SNBN, alumna Sarah Schuler said, “That poor little fan was probably doing it’s very best to help out, you know. You really should give it a chance and maybe it will actually be some help.”
However, the fan’s best just wasn’t good enough. Maintenance staffer Ross Bole took it away to a small, inconspicuous desk where it would “at least be worth the tape holding it together!”
Rather Short Assistant Dorm Supervisor Gives Short Presentation on Shorts
All available students were treated to the 
traditional beginning-of-the-year orientations this morning at NIU. One of the numerous orientation lectures was delivered on the topic of shorts by Jonah Kilpatrick, an assistant dorm supervisor. Kilpatrick gave a clear and concise presentation of allowed and prohibited short types, including unambiguous side-by-side comparisons and head-to-head match-ups of athletic and non-athletic styles.
Despite his remarkably short stature, which initially led some audience members to heckle him about standing up, his entire floor time was a mere seven and a half minutes, and he sacrificed no content or clarity. In a quick SNBN exit poll, 68% of male students said they preferred Kilpatrick’s speaking efficiency to his long winded but taller predecessor, and 72% said they would support a resolution that Kilpatrick run all future orientation meetings to save time. This heavy supportive bias might be explained by the timing of the orientations, which were mostly held before brunch, causing students to think more about their stomachs than about the vital material being presented.
Northland Weathers the Arrival of Freshmen
Chaos reigned on the campus of Northland International University on August 31, 2011. A hoard of freshmen descended on the school with wide eyes and excited, yet confused looks, and more luggage than they knew what to do with. They blundered around asking “What is the ‘JEC’?” “What dorm room am I in?”, Who is ‘PAUI PATZ,’ and how do you pronounce his name?”, “Where can I leave my mount… er, collection of luggage?”
The few upperclassmen on campus wisely hid out in the basement of the Fine Arts Center and hummed or quietly sang ‘Till the Storm Passes By. They knew that the uproar would eventually cease. “So what?” wonders this SNBN reporter. “Next year brings a repeat performance.”
Theodore Geisel’s Half-Birthday
Chris O’Reilly, former activity director of the former Champlin Society, announced today that he is hosting a Dog Party in the Daily Grind at 4:00pm to celebrate Theodore Geisel’s half-birthday. Dr. Geisel was born March 2, 1904, making his birthday exactly six months away from today. More information on Dr. Geisel can be found at Wikipedia.
Thursday’s Volleyball Tournament
Last night’s volleyball meet was wholly unremarkable. All teams were a mix of seasoned and hapless players, but one incident stood out as the highlight of the games. As as stray volleyball careened toward the front-left corner of the court, an unidentified freshman made a heroic leap to try and save it. It was truly an incredible leap, but he missed the ball by a comfortable six or eight foot margin and brought a tremendous whack down on the head of a small female player.
I was hoping she might wilt away like a mannequin who’s strings had been cut, but instead she whipped around to give him what-for until she was subdued by several alert teammates. The rest of the games proceeded without incident.
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